After this downer of a post I’ll make sure to do several feel-good posts from here on.
But, for now let’s talk friendships and insecurities.
So there is a friendship that recently sprang up. It started out light enough, with just occasional hi’s in passing. Then it progressed to chatting everyday for an hour or two. Then we started working on a major project together with a bunch of other girls, and we all really clicked. I am happy to have found these girls. They are fun to be with, and the different personalities really bring some excitement to the mix.
But very recently, say in the past couple of weeks, I have noticed a change in the original friendship. When before she would seek me out to start conversations, I started being the one to exclusively seek her out. Where before we chatted in a free-flow of exchange, now there’s a briskness to our interaction, and if it’s not a project conversation, it fizzles out quickly, with her leaving. When we are in a group conversation, I notice that everyone else responds a lot more to my comments, while she seldom does. She seeks out the others now, and have longer conversations with the others.
I don’t know what’s changed, and it started me thinking about myself. I really like her, and admire her, so what is wrong with me and what did I do to change her original warmth? I have asked her in a roundabout way what has changed, with no satisfactory answer. Of course I can always ask her outright what the hell her problem is, but here’s the kicker. While I don’t know, I can always make it about her and her issues. Maybe she is jealous of my stunning beauty, I don’t know
Once I ask her, I open the scary possiblity, that she answers: “It’s YOU. You’re not very likable.”
The tragedy is that I’ve been raised thinking it’s important to be liked, that everyone should like me. I’ve learned to undo that teaching a little bit, but when a person who I admire is the one who doesn’t like me (such a juvenile term but there it is), then it’s a bit harder to take.
Don’t worry about me, I’ll get over this like I do everything. I’m a born optimist with a pessimistic streak sometimes, is all. But yea, insecurities….whatchu got?